Introducing KORKED BATS
Ncompass Magazine Presents….
SPORTS!
After many..ahem…strong suggestions to feature sports, we have brought on the Korked Bats team!
Korked Bats is a group of guys – Austin, Frank, Chip, Jared, and Kyle – that take pride in not only delivering you sports, but making you laugh in the process.
We’ll start by being Frank with You.
It pays to be a Laker.
It’s no secret the “big men” on the Lakers, while extremely talented and good, are somewhat soft compared to some of the other post players around the league.
Lakers’ coach Phil Jackson even went as far as calling them “thin-chested.” [Insert inappropriate joke here].
So, what’s Phil’s solution? Well, it looks like he took a page right out of John Calipari’s coaching handbook and has decided the only way to get better is to pay his players off.
That’s right.
For every offensive charge drawn the player gets $50. (Big whoop, right? That’s not even enough money to garner the term “pocket change” to these guys.)
Don’t count temperamental forward Ron Artest among those participating in the incentive program. “I don’t even know how to take a charge,” he said. “To get the charge you have to fall. I’d rather not fall.”
…The man has a point.
This is a pretty awkward picture.
I hope whoever decided it’d be a good idea to put Larry King and King James on a basketball court together wearing work clothes was fired, or at least fined $50 by Phil Jackson.
It wasn’t worth risking a broken hip to find out Cleveland “has an edge” in his upcoming free agency battle.
Now take your suspenders back to the studio Larry.
This man is a true American.
I don’t care what anyone says.
Risking your $9 beer to catch a ball thrown into the stands, pulling off the maneuver with very limited spillage, chugging the beer, then fist pumping for freedom is far more American than apple pie.
by Frank Ford
frank@korkedbats.com
AUSTIN – THE A-HUFF
Hi, This Is Ken Griffey Jr., Let’s Retire From Major League Baseball.
An era of baseball ended a couple of days ago when Ken Griffey Jr., the player voted “Best Player in the 1990s,” retired from Major League Baseball at the age of 40, after a 22-year career.
The announcement was heard by millions live on ESPN, including Ted Anders, a 25 year old from Topeka, KS, who saw the announcement at a local Buffalo Wild Wings.
“I almost started to cry,” Anders said, “but then things just got worse.”
After a smattering of sniffles, mumblings, and a few people even audibly stating, “Thank you, Junior,” the youngest present wing-eater, Jimmy (age 8), spoke up:
“Who’s Ken Griffey Jr.?” Jimmy turned to his father.
“Honestly, I wanted to punch the kid right in the face. Right then, square in the face,” Anders continued, “but I didn’t. He’s a kid, after all.”
“I wouldn’t have blamed him [if he hit Jimmy],” said Craig Turner, Jimmy’s dad,”I was (expletive) embarrassed.”
When asked who his favorite baseball player was, Jimmy replied, “I don’t really watch baseball. I like video games and LOST.”
Griffey, who was fifteen minutes late to his retirement press conference due to a nap in the green room, was the face of baseball for over a decade. As Griffey announced his retirement, the tilt of the Earth was knocked .04 degrees further down, a phenomenon scientists attribute to 4.6 millionbaseball caps being turned around forwards simultaneously.
The Indians Are Bad. Very Bad.
At 19-33 they are sporting one of the worst records in all of baseball. Indians broadcaster Bruce Drennan has a somewhat strong opinion on the subject.
Take a look at this epic rant. It’s awesome.
Profiling Thy Enemy: Peter Crouch
Hello from Korked Bats’ Senior World Cup Editor*!
For those of you not counting down the days–AKA those of you with girlfriends–we are exactly six days away from the race-driven World Cup opener for the United States and their enemies across the pond.
*Self-created nickname. Self-created position.
To get you ready for the match, I’m going to profile a different player on England’s roster each day leading up to the not-friendly on June 12 in Rustenburg. I hope that they will be informational, but–most of all–they’ll likely just be full of mean-spirited jokes because I’m racist toward the English.
Now, gander some footie. (That’s British for “Let’s talk soccer”. Or something)
Peter Crouch Bio Blast: There’s this scene in Muppet Treasure Island where the pirates are interrogating Gonzo. They have a crankable device that is supposed to quarter him as a means of torture, hoping to get him to divulge information. But, wouldn’t you know it, the plan backfires as Gonzo’s arms just stretch and stretch painlessly to to his delight.
That’s what Peter Crouch looks like.
The 6-foot-7 Tottenham striker looks like a failed quartering experiment. It’s the height that has defined his career and, apparently, his life, as he has written a book (it can be yours for 13 pounds!) about the odd life that he lives because he is tall, or something like that.
Apparently, fans have said mean things to him because he’s tall. The nerve! Anyway, he says that he did the book because he had an interesting story, not because he wanted pity for being a tall professional soccer player that shacks up with this every night…
…and, in the shocker of shockers, has been made fun of by fans of all teams.
Oh, ok.
On the pitch (that means field): Despite what his gangly frame would suggest, Crouch is actually very gifted athletically (but don’t pity him!).
He’s strong in the air, as you would expect from a person of his stature, but he’s also very skilled with his feet relative to his size.
To my knowledge, it hasn’t yet been announced whether Crouch will be the starter for England beside Wayne Rooney or not, but if he does, the US men will call on their own giant (although he doesn’t have a book), Oguchi Onyewu, to try to keep Crouch from nailing in headers.
That’ll be a tall order for Onyewu, who has only played about 90 minutes of live game time in the last seven months.
Wikipedia fact: Crouch’s most common nickname is “Crouchy.”
OK, pity him for that.
by Austin Huff
austin@korkedbats.com
www.korkedbats.com
